Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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