There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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