My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
