Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
3pm strippers are depressing
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
