I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
