the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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