There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
