she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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