I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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