You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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