I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
