I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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