I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
