Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize