He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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