I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just invented taco cereal.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize