i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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