Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
