Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
