i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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