that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
