She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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