You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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