hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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