But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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