is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
