I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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