I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
