You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
