ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
