so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
