I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
