my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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