The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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