the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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