Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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