I haven't been this sober since birth.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
