Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
