I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
