I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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