you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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