did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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