I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
