Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize