he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
