the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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