bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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