So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
