I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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