I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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