I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
