the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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