I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize