I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize