I can tuck mytits in my pants
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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